The Happy Booker does ReadersRoom....

I've found a new blog to love. Seriously, I am a blog whore, and I don't need the distraction. I really don't. Right now, I am trying to cut a 13-page synopsis down to one page, and baby, it ain't easy. This synopsis is for a book in a "new" direction for me. Ever since I started blogging, I've discovered an edgy humorous voice, and it apparently belongs to a character named Jenny T. Partridge. She's a rather unsuccessful dance teacher who is struggling to eke out a living in the middle of Ogden, Utah. Any of you who have ever been forced to call all your relatives and hassle them with your children's fundraisers will have great appreciation for this book. Jenny finds herself in the middle of a murder mystery BECAUSE of one of these fundraisers. Dance Moms are notoriously neurotic and sometimes nasty. Just take a look at what one of them sent ME.

It's a fun book to write, and even the synopsis hasn't been hell (I know, I know, that's impossible!), but I hate cutting a long synopsis down. My agent has requested this, however, and so I am trying. And practicing avoidance. A LOT of avoidance.

And then along comes the Happy Booker, aka Wendi.

I'm avoiding all over the place.

For example, I took this QUIZ to see what kind of a book I am. Apparently, I am The Hobbit.


Thanks, Wendi! I am NEVER going to get this synopsis done....

Oprah, WE NEED YOU

First of all, I must gently chide all of you. WHY are you not reading Maud Newton? Hmmm?

Staying up on things in this crazy publishing world is hard, but you simply MUST read Maud Newton. I'm telling you, I learn things on that blog that I had NO idea were happening.

Like this. A list of prominent women authors have delivered a letter to Oprah Winfrey asking her to REINSTATE the Oprah Book Club.

I'm sort of frightened by the power Oprah Winfrey has. I suspect she is, too.

Reality Television Run Amok, or a Clever Scam?

While I personally find other writers fascinating, especially successful ones, I never thought I would see the day that reality television would be set up around making a previously self- or unpublished author a bestselling one. I mean, let's face it. Watching a person write is NOT riveting. Yeah, there was that whole Johnny Depp movie, Secret Window, and it involved axes, car crashes, fires and strange accents, but let's face it. In my world, the only murders taking place are on paper or involving green plant-like things.

So a reality television show involving writers, and the making of a bestselling author, seems a long shot at best from the outset. But it seems someone is determined to do it. SEEMS is the operative word here. The show is Book Millionaire, and the idea, which might seem novel (heh heh. Literary pun. Get it? Novel?)is really nothing more than a nifty little ploy to propel its creator, Lori Prokop, into her OWN successful realm of publishing.

To read more about this little venture, visit the blog of Lee Goldberg, as he expounds on it quite well. He amusingly riffs on the life of an author.

Let me give you a taste of what you can hope for: I had El Pollo Loco for lunch today, picked up my daughter at school, and got a haircut. Will they get to do that? I think not. I've earned those perks the hard way, pal.

Suffice it to say that I think this one is going nowhere fast, and reality television is safe from writers, at least in FRONT of the camera, for one more day. I'm not sure it's a scam, but it didn't sound very appealing to me. Want to know what it's REALLY like, the life of a published novelist? Oh, the stories I could tell you. Oh, the insecurities. The waiting. The wondering. The bad reviews. The fear your book will tank.

Even established bestselling authors have angst everytime a book comes out.

Consider Tess Gerritsen's blog, where she talks about the feeling when one of her books is scathingly reviewed.

Everybody's a critic.
Imagine this scenario. You have just given birth to a brand new baby, and it has been a long, difficult labor. For a year you've thought of little else. You've lost sleep over it, obsessed over it, tortured yourself over it, and at last you proudly carry your baby out of the hospital.

Then a complete stranger comes up to you and says, "That's a really ugly kid." Or: "It's deformed!" Or: "People like you shouldn't even have babies."

That's what it's like to get a bad review. I'm not talking about the ho-hum "coulda been better" reviews. I'm talking about a really, really nasty one where the reviewer comes after your baby with an ice pick. I doubt there's an author alive with skin thick enough to be able to just brush these off. After all these years as a novelist, truly cruel reviews still make me double over in pain and make me want to crawl into bed and pull the sheets over my head. They make me want to never write another word. Writers may tell you that they don't care about reviews, but they do. Every artist does. We all remember our truly awful reviews. We remember who wrote them. And we never, ever forgive or forget.

Rob, my partner here at ReadersRoom.com, seems convinced I'm bats. Nuts. A hamburger short of a happy meal. He watches me go from utter joy at a great review, or comment, to the depths of despair as I wait for the sound of the big toilet flushing on what is left of my career.

This, see, is something you can't share with many people. You can't tell them about the insecurities, the fear your book will tank, that returns will be enormous, that reviews will be horrendous, that you'll never meet your sell-through, and that even if you do, your next book will never be up to snuff. If you share it on writing lists, where unpublished writers abound, they consider you ungrateful, rude, or overly dramatic. At least you HAVE a contract.

When I was unpublished, I only ever came close to quitting once, and that was very close to the time when I finally sold a manuscript. It seems that now I am there, in the bookstores, with the well-reviewed hardback book, I talk about quitting every other day. Sometimes every other hour.

Does this business breed neurotics, or are neurotics just attracted to it? Have I always been this way?

I'm not sure, but I can promise you I no longer obsessively check my Amazon and BN.com rankings every hour. I have some stupid stalker guy doing that FOR me. Why are people attracted to anyone who has even the slightest semi-celebrity? You tell me. Most of the world hasn't a clue who I am. I'm hardly a household name, and yet writers from India email me in droves, seeking advice in getting a U.S. literary agent.

Note to the one who just wrote me, commenting on my lovely picture: I'm sorry that your compliments have fallen on deaf ears, but I DON'T HAVE THE MAGIC POTION. Most days I'm lucky if my car starts, the kids aren't sick, and the dog makes it outside before the urge to go "hits" him.

What are you gleaning from all this? I have more attention from strange people than I need, I'm not rich, I'm decidedly more neurotic than I was when I started, and my dog has an incontinence problem.

Oh, the glamorous life. "Honey, the limo is here!"

Giving Birth

With the onset of spring comes the time Mother Nature, in all her infinite wisdom, oversees an onslaught of new babies coming forth from the animal kingdom. Mother Publishing, taking a cue from MN, is doing the same thing, as a slew of new books--first books--are set to be born in the next few months, and it's looking like a doozy of schedule. Please note, aspiring authors, that "first books" touted by New York publishers are rarely first books. I will comment on this more below.

But let's get started. First off, released today, is the book The Next Big Thing, by author Johanna Edwards.

Edwards' "first" novel is about a plus-size heroine who goes on a reality show called "From Fat to Fabulous" to try and win over her fat-phobe Internet boyfriend. Edwards book has already made a splash, with a great review in US Weekly, and a place on some bestseller lists across the nation. I must admit I am incredibly encouraged to see this trend, originally set by author Jennifer Weiner, featuring heroines who most closely mirror the actual sizes worn by America's women. While I haven't read Johanna's book yet, it is on my TBR pile. Hell, it's on my MBR pile--MUST BE READ.

Next up, mid-April, is the "first" book gods in Alabama, by author Joshilyn Jackson. This book is reviewed in today's edition of ReadersRoom.com, and it's a powerful debut. I've mentioned it before, but it's worth saying again. Jackson received incredible backing from Warner, pretty much unwarranted for an unknown author who has not bared her breasts repeatedly in national media. Nevertheless, I suspect the gamble will pay off, because it is an awesome story. You can read my impression of it here.

Coming in May we can expect the spectacularly-titled The Bitch Posse, another "first" book that is getting all kinds of press play in all kinds of places. Like Johanna Edwards, and Joshilyn Jackson, Martha O'Conner is an extremely nice, extremely talented writer. Martha's book has received some great advance publicity and buzz, and I am really looking forward to reading it. One of her biggest supporters is in the UK.

From Martha's blog:

The scoop~Mark Farley is a bookseller and front-of-store manager at Waterstone's in Notting Hill Gate in London. He writes an interesting blog about his experiences as an author and "bookseller to the stars" (I guess a lot of movie stars visit his store... you know, it's "Notting Hill" and all...)

Anyway, Mark read an ARC of my novel and reviewed it on his site! (It's called The Bitch Goddess Notebook (Orion, May) in the UK.)

Mark called her book "stuck up middle finger punk fiction." That, my friends, is a quote you could not pay money for.

All three have them are also authors who blog, and blog very well. One thing I've noticed is that blogging authors seem, well, more human, and less Stephen-Kingish. No offense to Master King, but his life seems surreal. Somehow, you can believe that authors who blog also change diapers, wash dishes, and chauffer kids to soccer games and dance classes.

Now, as to the "first" book issue: Unpublished authors take heart. I happen to know for a fact that neither Martha's or Joss's books are actually FIRST books. They are just the first books the author sold to New York. We are actually talking three, four, five and sometimes even SIX times writing an entire novel before selling one.

Consider this: I have two books currently for sale, although one will not be available for much longer (that one being SisterWife). I have bothWives and Sisters, and SisterWife available for sale on my Web site. Both are available through Amazon. The similarities end there. You can't get SW anywhere else, really, because it was published with a small publisher using POD technology, in a contract that expires this month. Bookstores don't care much for that (POD-published books), although that's a discussion for another blog.

But when people come to my site they HAVE to be confused. Or think I haven't an ounce of creativity in my body. The two books are not the same, despite the similar titles. It gets more confusing when you realize that the October 2004 book from St. Martin's, W&S, emphatically claims to be my first book.

People are left wondering if SisterWife is the version available only in Utah, on Tuesday evenings, after a full moon, when the potato salad and jello is consumed, and the residents are hopped up on ice cream. It's not. SW was written and published before W&S was sold. When SM bought it, the title was changed. Not only was the title changed, but it became something very similar to SisterWife, which was already under contract to Zumaya Publishing. So I couldn't exactly change THAT title, now, could I?

I promise I am not title- and creativity-challenged. However, given the new trend for profanity in titles (See gods in Alabama and The Bitch Posse above), and my other titles, I have posed THIS interesting question to agent Jeff Kleinman, who I promise will be my guest on this blog within the next two weeks. SHOULD I call my next book Wives and Bitches? Stay tuned for his answer to this pressing question, as well as a few others that are probably a lot more relevant and interesting.